THE TRU-MP MEANING OF CHRISTMAS
By: Shawn Walker
(The Trump house, reception
room, late afternoon Christmas Eve.)
(Donald Trump Jr. walks into the room where Donald Trump is standing)
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Hey dad.
DONALD TRUMP
Hey son, ready for a great dinner? This is going to be fantastic. Best dinner ever, I can feel it.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Okay, if you say so, I believe it. You know dad you don't have to be "on" all the time. You're at home you can relax.
DONALD TRUMP
What do you mean?
DONALD TRUMP JR.
I mean when you talk, all the terriffics, greats, fantastics.
DONALD TRUMP
No, it's better I use it all the time, so I don't lose it. Always have to be ready to promote my agenda. As you know I am super positive, got to keep the country hopeful. Hey, I just came up with a new phrase, "Use it, or lose it". God, I'm great.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Yes, father. We all know you're great.
DONALD TRUMP
Hey, do you want to see what I got Melania for Christmas?
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Sure, why not.
DONALD TRUMP
It's in the walk-in safe.
(They walk over to a bookcase. Donald Trump slides bookcase over to reveal a large vault door with an electronic key pad.)
DONALD TRUMP JR.
I'll open it, I know you have trouble getting in sometimes.
(He walks over to key pad and presses 4 digits. A red light lights up and buzzer beeps.)
What's wrong? It didn't open.
DONALD TRUMP
Oh, I forgot to tell you. I had the code changed.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Okay, what is it?
DONALD TRUMP
One.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
(Confused pause.) One what?
DONALD TRUMP
That's it, one.
(Donald Trump Jr. tries key pad again, presses "1". Green light, lights up. Door opens)
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Dad, why would you do that? That is crazy, and not very safe.
DONALD TRUMP
It's just easier to remember. It saves time, time is money, you know. Hey, another saying I came up with.
(Donald Trump Jr. shakes his head)
DONALD TRUMP
I changed all my codes to one. Even the nuclear launch codes. You have to be ready at all times, need to be quick. The Pentagon didn't like it, but I am the president.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Ya dad, we all know. We helped you get elected, remember? I had all those scheduled meetings with...(muffled voice).
(Donald Trump quickly reaches out with hand to cover Donald Trump Jr.'s mouth.)
DONALD TRUMP
No more talking about the election. The Justice Department is out to get me. I think they might have bugged this place. It's ridiculous they should be spying on Hilary, not me.
(Cut to Robert Mueller, crouching outside of the window listening in, with a Whisper 2000 dish and headset.)
ROBERT MUELLER
Damn it, almost had 'em.
(Back inside house, Trump and son walk into vault. Donald Trump walks to a shelf and picks up a jewelry box and opens it to reveal a necklace)
DONALD TRUMP
Here it is. This is what I got your second stepmom. Beautiful, isn't it? Russian crown jewels, amazing stuff. Putin was showing them off and handed this to me, just so I could have a look. I pretended he was giving it to me. I just put it in my pocket and said thank you for the wonderful gift. I heard about someone else doing this with a Super Bowl ring, so I thought I would try it.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
That necklace is impressive, good job.
(Donald Trump Jr. turns and looks at a table of stacked gold bars.)
Hey, it looks like there is a gold bar missing here from the corner. See, I told you something would get stolen with that easy security code.
DONALD TRUMP
No, son. It's not missing. Don't you remember? It was a while ago when one of my companies went bankrupt.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Which time?
DONALD TRUMP
I can't remember, doesn't matter. Anyway, it was a tough fourth quater. You were very young and I wanted to make sure you had a good Christmas. Money was tight, we only had three homes and this stack of gold. So I sold off a gold bar to buy you a present.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Really? (pause) Oh ya, I remember vaguely. Was it a set of golf clubs?
DONALD TRUMP
Yes, gold plated clubs in a diamond encrusted bag. You loved them. I think you said it was the best gift you ever received, if I remember correctly.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
You did that for me. I don't know what to say? Hey, wait a minute wasn't I like five years old? And weren't they adult clubs?
DONALD TRUMP
Ya, ya, I don't recall. Anywho, that is the sacrifice any good parent makes for their kids.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Sharing and giving. The true meaning of Christmas. What ever happened to those clubs anyway?
(Donald Trump nervously glances around the room and spots the golf clubs in the corner over his shoulder.)
DONALD TRUMP
It is getting hot in here or is it just me? Hey, what's that over there?
(Points to the opposite side of the room. Takes off jacket and throws it over top of the clubs to hide them.)
DONALD TRUMP JR.
What? Where?
DONALD TRUMP
I thought I saw that elephant tusk move. Must have been my imagination. I am not sure what happened to those clubs. I think we donated them to a charity or something.
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Oh dad, you're always thinking about others. I don't know why people say mean things about you all time. Over and over and over and...
DONALD TRUMP
Ya, ya, I know. They're losers. So, what do you want for Christmas this year?
DONALD TRUMP JR.
Ummm, not to go to jail?
DONALD TRUMP
Hmmm,
any other wishes?
(Blackout.)